there seriously is no way around this, i talk myself into circles back and forth between two great guys. what runs through my mind are the footage not shown in theater for love triangle movies. 

To be quite honest, I want to just have girlfriends. I want to have fun, work hard at school, eat good food, go shopping for pretty clothes, make up, shoes, purses, spend time doing my hair and just be a free 21 year old. I don’t want to be bogged down by relationships promising endless love. I want friendships that last, memories made with unforgettable people. I want my life to not be categorized by chapters with the guys I’ve dated as the main characters. I want it to be me. What I did during those years, the things I’ve accomplished, the places I’ve been, the people I’ve met. for the past 7-8 years its always been relationships with males. I’m tired of it. I want a relationship with myself, I want to be independent, be headstrong and positive without the help of a significant other. I want to strengthen my friendships with people I’ve pushed away. I want to be beautiful because I’m happy inside and it radiates through. I want me to shine. 

Relationships have exhausted me. They’ve been amazing, and I’ve been blessed to meet such amazing men who have treated me well or have shaped me into someone better. But Dear God, I would like a break. Please give me the right words to make them understand. This is what I need.

A good bye  letter is much more different than a good bye in person. It hit home really hard and I don’t know where it came from or why I even did it. All I know is that I had to do it, to both of them. There’s this deathly guilt eating me up inside. Although I know I set myself up for a lose-lose situation, telling J that I was in love with E, and pushing E away by kind of like, telling how unfair it is to J. At the end of the day, E hates my guts right now. J wants to hate my guts too but came to the conclusion that he doesn’t want to lose me and he’s sticking around no matter what. I miss E. And there’s nothing I could say about it to make him think twice. I’ve been told, maybe he’s just hurt and the things he said and did last night were vomit words, things he wanted to do to make me feel the hurt he felt. Damn, did he do a good job or what? It feels like I just went through a break-up and I’m slightly regretting it because I miss E and he says he’s completely given up on it, on us, and its nothing but just a fling to him. A fling. A fling could conjure up those kinds of emotions, and actions that seem way too off to have for someone you just met. Too crazy. Too radical.

I need this. I feel like a million pounds was lifted off my shoulder and maybe I can lift up my own weight and keep moving. I hurt two guys in one night, and lost the one who I wanted to pursue something with. But it really isn’t the right time. Maybe he will come around, maybe he will re-read what he said about being patient and what not.

ugh. smile. its going to be okay. this is my favorite lie that I live to believe.

This is my goodbye letter to you. From the start, we knew that we wouldn’t work out, so I suppose this letter is just meant to circle us back to this bitter and inevitable turn of fate.

I know that you might hate me after this, and that’s okay. I shouldn’t have fed this spark to begin with. My mistake.  But when you finally forgive me, I hope you can see and appreciate what we had. Yes E, there was something there, something quite remarkable and undeniably beautiful. It was perfect the way it was, innocent and simple at first till I realized who you could actually be in my life. That one thought manifested in the forms of dreams and hopes for the future until now.

I really like you, there’s no question about that. I’ve thought about the day I would fall in love with you and the endless days spent with you that would follow. Its a sweet thought that has kept me up at night wondering. But its not going to happen. At least, this perfect little romance will remain untainted by the complications of a messy relationship.

In less than a month, you have manged to change my life. I hope I was able to impact yours in a positive way. You’re truly wonderful and I wish I could be around to celebrate you as a person and all the accomplishments you will achieve in the years to come.

I hate you for opening my eyes to a life with possibilities I had forgotten, existed. I hate you for making me feel so alive and so happy just by having you next to me. I hate you for making me like you so much with your stupid smile that travel up to your eyes, your ugly laugh that send a shock down my spine, your disgusting voice I can’t bear to delete off my voicemail inbox, your irritating body I want by my side every night, your hypertensive heart that I want to take care of every day and most importantly, your annoying mind and personality that syncs with mine almost too perfectly. I. Hate. You. So. Much. EJP. I wish I had never met you so I wouldn’t spend the rest of my life wishing, wondering…regretting 

This was an unsuccessful attempt to burn bridges.

I asked for a sign and I think I got it. I’ve gotten myself into quite a pickle these past few weeks. I managed to break up with my boyfriend, start liking another guy I just met and now I’m stuck in the middle not knowing which way to go and with who. Do I really have to have a who involved in my path? A pros and con list might help me organize things, but I don’t want to do this based off a point scale.

I have turned into my own worst nightmare, being the significant other who didn’t hold on tightly enough to their relationship. In a sense, I didn’t cheat, but I feel like I did. There isn’t a gaping hole in my chest waiting to suck me in, but there is an empty space where my morals and values used to be.

He once was a stranger, but within three weeks, I fell for him pretty hard. That’s what falling is like, right? You throw all inhibitions aside, forget about what’s right or wrong and you just go for it. Because once you’re falling, falling, falling, everything just kind of disappears and all you see is this measly hope that maybe, he’s falling for you too. How can you tell that kind of information to your recent lover? How can you make them understand your previous thoughts, hopes and wishes were proven wrong by this elation felt with conversations and time spent with another person?

Maybe its just the excitement that is keeping me going, I’m still waiting for him to fall out before me because to be quite honest, I can’t walk away. I can’t walk away from this stranger that has changed my life for better and for worse. I can’t shake off this feeling that he so perfectly instilled in my heart and mind. There is something about him that holds my attention and fascination and all I want to do is spend the rest of my life figuring out what it is. From the way he tap tap taps to the beat of each song, from the way he stumbles on his words when he’s nervous,  from the way he laughs, ugh, just the little things about him. I can’t express any of these emotions to anyone. I just cant and its eating me up inside. Its a radical idea, an insane notion that I believe he’s the one. I’ve only felt this way about one other person and I would regret it for the rest of my life if I let it go. But at the same time, I will hold this burden of hurting someone who loves me too.

I’m talking in circles but that’s okay because quite frankly, i don’t know which way to go. I know I have caused hurt. The damage is done. Please, send me a sign.

I’m feeling the burn from all the work out. Just because I’m “tiny and skinny” doesn’t mean squat. I aim to be strong and fit at this age. I am choosing to be healthy.

My lens came in today. I really like 35mm better than the 55 although I think my 55 focuses much faster. There’s an issue that has been bothering me for a couple of weeks now, but despite how much it has been affecting me, I really can’t find the strength to talk about it. It hurts because, its true. It hurts because its now a biased issue, so there’s really no need to dwell on it. All in all, it still makes me sad. 

Anyway, I also had this brilliant idea of taking back this koala bear I got for my 13th birthday from someone who I haven’t spoken to for over 2-3 years. But as soon as I said it outloud, it sounded ridiculous and I wanted nothing to do with it. I’m still scared of course. I really am. 

hahaha, why do I always have to spill such heavy, downer emotions? Why can’t I keep it in me? 

I’ve never been one to be a candidate for insomnia, but here I am hopelessly tossing and turning with noway to escape to my numbing sleep. My jeri visited me today, despite the short notice, he drove an hour to give me a hug and spend the afternoon with me. He made me laugh, took me out for a milkshake and then he made me laugh some more. Then we scored another how I met your mother eve, the most recent one to join our collection, season 4. We jokes and said we couldn’t break up because it would break up the dvd collection.

I hope I fall asleep soon, I have such a long day ahead of me.